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the first of ten thousand steps
Jan. 31st, 2007
Jan. 22nd, 2007
10:52 pm
sitting up late,
thinking about cupcakes
instead of neurotransmitters.
staring at a screen,
imagining words
instead of meanings.
thinking about the past,
visualizing smiles
instead of real memories.
and, "hmmmmm" i think.
playing it cool,
i tell myself to go.
i go.
but here i am,
staying,
staying,
staying.
and i wonder when these
connotations wont exist
until i remember that
we are these connotations.
and we havebeen/alwayswillbe.
so
theyll exist till were dead?
i dont know if i like the sound of that.
all i can hope, is that, by stretching tomorrow,
i can work out the strain of today.
then, day by day, things will get a little more comfortable.
a little looser.
then,
we can stand,
we can twist,
we can breathe.
and all will be well with the world.
all will be calm;
the waves, turned to
smooth sailing.
and maybe even a nice trip or two.
Jan. 18th, 2007
10:58 pm
everyone knows that
when you walk backwards,
youre likely to trip.
but why do we constantly
look backwards?
there is nothing
over our shoulder.
and looking back
makes you oblivious to whats ahead.
even if you arent moving,
youll trip.
there is nothing we can do
about what weve already done.
this we know.
so why do we still put energy
into trying for it?
we know
that its better to look ahead,
and change what you can
in the right now,
but we seldom take
our own advice.
hindsight's 20/20.
(damn it)
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
so get over it
once again,
sitting quietly,
watching my past
take control
of the present.
i must take control
to keep my past away
from my future.
surely tonight will be cold,
so i will bundle up.
my face will be cold,
but ill pull the blankets tight.
tomorrow is a new day.
tomorrow is a new day.
tomorrow is a new day.
Jan. 17th, 2007
07:29 pm - colorshift, makebelieve, translucent possibility.
seeing new colors when i open my eyes.
watching the world,
painted in ever-changing pastels.
(redtogreen, bluetored, orangetopurple,
etc.)
swimming in a sea of
vibrant, shimmering, shades
of emotion.
the only thing is,
i dont know what color
everything is really supposed
to be.
its alright,
that i can paint in luminous tones
of unnamed magnificent magnitude.
that my sunset can be draped
in unimaginable nuance,
is good
for the time being.
but when i wake up tomorrow,
and take a look at my canvas,
what will my opinions
of my work
be then?
Dec. 22nd, 2006
02:13 pm
its hard to escape if you dont run away.
but if you run, its likely to follow.
its hard to win if you dont fight.
but if you fight, you just might lose.
(there is no up, without down.
there is no love, without hate.
there is no happy, without sad.
there is no life, without death.)
im left staring out the window.
trying to look at each individual leaf
on each individual tree,
and im wondering how that leaf will feel today.
Nov. 26th, 2006
02:46 am - BeautyBeautyBeautiful
i dont have to look at anything to see the beauty in life.
sometimes it just floats all around me
and hangs in the air,
sometimes i feel it flutter all around me
and then come to a rest
on
the tip
of my nose.
and as frustrating it is,
when that beauty and i
play games of hide
-and- seek,
it is always so rewarding when i find it
crouching behind a bush
just outside my door.
Nov. 25th, 2006
04:13 am - certainly certain.
things will never go any differently than how they end up going.
today i watched certain parts of my life
certainly walk away,
for now...
today i watched others lives, and was certain
that there is
certainly
quite a lot of love in this world.
(even if it comes in strange shapes sometimes)
today i watched a smile creep slowly, certainly,
across my face,
and it will certainly stay there
for as long as i can hold it.
there are very few things in this world to be certain about.
of that, im certain.
and right now, i know that
things are
certainly going to end up alright.
and there is certainly no need to worry about them,
certainly.
(and now that word looks really funny. im not sure whether its because i just used it 13 times, or because it is a word that is normally so unfamiliar to me... all i know is that it feels good to have some certainty about things for once)
Nov. 21st, 2006
07:15 pm - fresh air
useless noises all around.
sick of the consistency.
time to change recipies.
time to change the album.
when the time comes, youll know what to do.
when the moment is here, youll make the right decision.
when choice is squarely presented in front of you,
it will be easy to pick-and-choose.
attention:
no more waiting for the clear choice. things dont come in black&white.
things dont come at your leisure;
and if you wait, they wont come at all.
every second is a chance to change.
life is not question and response,
a test to take at some arranged time
at some arranged place;
it is not a quiz to walk away from when you're finished answering.
it is not true or false.
it seems that life
is like constantly painting, constantly placing
lines where you see fit,
contours and colors where they are needed.
right now, i need a change of canvas.
right now, i need some fresh air.
Nov. 18th, 2006
10:11 pm - when you stop spinning circles
connecting dots.
seeing the big picture.
listening to words
that shine instead of shatter,
whose mouths once frowned
now turned to smiles.
experiencing flowers bloom
in a giant orchard of concrete.
finding the impossible
was only laying hidden at your feet.
learning to love what youve hated,
seeing that it had some love unknown.
when you stop spinning circles,
you may get dizzy,
you may get nauseous,
at first.
but soon youre standing tall,
standing straight,
and everything falls
right into place.
Nov. 17th, 2006
12:31 pm - sometimes you feel like a nut...
its nice how watching some basketball game and watching people get fucked up
can make you forget about all your little insignificant worries.
i made a mistake last night.
there will be no do-over.
all i can do is walk away from it a smarter, more experienced person.
(and try to keep posting "missed connections" on craigslist, to no avail
- i promise today will be the last one... maybe one tomorrow, but that's it)
feeling good is nice when you were feeling bad,
and it can really teach you things about why you felt bad in the first place.
it can teach you things about how to avoid feeling bad,
and how to embrace feeling good.
and the next time you get off the bus,
you can turn around and tell her,
" get off here, with me,
ill help you find your stop "
sigh.
Nov. 14th, 2006
10:06 am
huh,
it looks like the world does spin without me.
everyone is revolving,
just like i am revolving.
alone.
Nov. 10th, 2006
Oct. 28th, 2006
02:09 am
my dream is that one day, when the zombie outbreaks start,
when i get infected and become zombified...
someone will love me enough to tie me to a post
and feed me brains all day.
is that too much to ask??
Oct. 27th, 2006
01:23 am - thinking in a stream of drawn out syllables, rounded so as not to make a mark.
speechless.
Oct. 26th, 2006
Oct. 23rd, 2006
10:45 am - things change, lives rearrange.
what was once touching you, and what you once touched,
now craves for contact,
having been abandoned.
worlds rotate, and revolve.
changing course.
is there some pattern in all this,
some intelligent design.
some intelligence?
off i go,
to love the flowers
which bloom so brightly
at the first hint of
tomorrows sun.
bottling scents, picking petals.
no more at-odds with the way.
things are.
making way, to the way.
things will be.
glorious world.
lovely fate.
free will to all.
and good day to you, and you, and you.
i wish you luck on all your adventures.
and good luck to me.
Oct. 17th, 2006
11:52 pm - i always loved you and i always will, no matter how much i tell myself i dont...
there are so many things that we always told each other that we would rebel against, fight against,
stand against forever, and shout our defiance of to the highest rafters.
sometimes i think that our convictions have faded as much as we have.
Oct. 12th, 2006
02:29 pm
well.
we went to work,
stood around for a second.
we left work.
do i feel justified??
not completely.
... but i suppose i never do.
01:35 pm
i would say i feel abandoned,
but im abandoning.
last day of work today.
im hoping it wont even happen.
find a new job. find a new job.
find a new life.
Oct. 3rd, 2006
01:31 pm - chacka chacka boom
i frequently find myself indulging in fantasies with no base. i build them up, higher and higher, until they are either smashed to the ground... or until i realize they arent touching the ground at all, but rather floating right there in the air in front of me. when i notice these flying fantasies, i sit back and say,
"hmmm"
and then i wonder how long ive been dreaming.
it usually doesnt matter if i am dreaming of not. because when i find myself fully conscious -and therefore realize that these imaginings are all being formulated in my mind, and my mind is being more closely watched than my reality- i wonder how long ive been sitting there in the dark, watching stars spin around and hearing the night sky whisper,
"i love you."
its then that i attempt to sort out the things i think ive been thinking, and the things that i think i mustve been actually living. its a confusing conundrum, to say the least.
so i mull it around a bit, never really coming up with anything, and i wonder what the appeal of dreaming is. i wonder what it is that takes me out of this moment to build up hopes and elaborate on things that would otherwise be stopped dead, right at that particular moments end.
i suppose there is no real answer. i suppose that i am not really even asking a question. but i always seem to find myself needing something, feeling empty in some way, feeling like i could use an answer to any question, from any direction.
i am aware that i should be searching a little closer to earth, a little closer to some actual basis. i know that i should not be forming dreams to distract me from forming my life, but its always so easy, so distracting, so much better than my actual life. the real problem with dreaming when you are awake is when you realize you are dreaming, when you realize you arent paying any attention to your life, when those dreams become pretending, become cheap, meaningless, when they become nothing more than a silly want, that you feel silly for wanting more than actually wanting to achieve.
so should i wish to be fully shrouded in my dreams, or to not wish at all? it seems, or course, foolish to think that fully withdrawing from reality could be a right answer... but it always feels that taking all the wishes out of life just makes it a little less shiny? sparkly?... it feels like if you took all the wishes out of life, life would be more lifeless. and thats the problem. because if i dont take all the wishes out, i seem to be only able to focus on the wishes, and if i try to take all the wishes out, life is just plain boring.
i guess ill just go back and forth, putting checks on both reality and dreams when they need to be checked.
and maybe this whole up and down motion will even itself out someday.
maybe.
anyways, having a job is neat. the job isnt neat, but at least having a schedule puts some meaning (however meaningless it may be) in my life, so thats good. i know that right now is not the right time to just run away, because its not financially or emotionally possible. i know that someday i will have what i feel i need to go where i feel i want to go, do what i want to do... but right now, what i want to do isnt realistic. so i suppose right now i need to be grabbing a hold of reality and making friends (never a bad thing to do).
so yeah, i dont have it figured out (i dont think its ever really possible to "figure it out")
but at least im figuring...
or something like that.
yeah.
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