the first of ten thousand steps

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 22:36:44 GMT

watching a leaf fall,
and wondering where
it will land.

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 07:00:34 GMT

sitting up late,
thinking about cupcakes
instead of neurotransmitters.

staring at a screen,
imagining words
instead of meanings.

thinking about the past,
visualizing smiles
instead of real memories.

and, "hmmmmm" i think.

playing it cool,
i tell myself to go.
i go.
but here i am,
staying,
staying,
staying.

and i wonder when these
connotations wont exist
until i remember that
we are these connotations.
and we havebeen/alwayswillbe.
so
theyll exist till were dead?

i dont know if i like the sound of that.

all i can hope, is that, by stretching tomorrow,
i can work out the strain of today.
then, day by day, things will get a little more comfortable.
a little looser.

then,
we can stand,
we can twist,

we can breathe.

and all will be well with the world.
all will be calm;
the waves, turned to
smooth sailing.

and maybe even a nice trip or two.

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 06:58:21 GMT

everyone knows that
when you walk backwards,
youre likely to trip.
but why do we constantly
look backwards?
there is nothing
over our shoulder.
and looking back
makes you oblivious to whats ahead.
even if you arent moving,
youll trip.

there is nothing we can do
about what weve already done.
this we know.
so why do we still put energy
into trying for it?
we know
that its better to look ahead,
and change what you can
in the right now,
but we seldom take
our own advice.

hindsight's 20/20.
(damn it)

theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
theres nothing you can do
so get over it

once again,
sitting quietly,
watching my past
take control
of the present.

i must take control
to keep my past away
from my future.

surely tonight will be cold,
so i will bundle up.
my face will be cold,
but ill pull the blankets tight.

tomorrow is a new day.
tomorrow is a new day.

tomorrow is a new day.

colorshift, makebelieve, translucent possibility.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 03:29:57 GMT

seeing new colors when i open my eyes.
watching the world,
painted in ever-changing pastels.
(redtogreen, bluetored, orangetopurple,
etc.)
swimming in a sea of
vibrant, shimmering, shades
of emotion.

the only thing is,
i dont know what color
everything is really supposed
to be.

its alright,
that i can paint in luminous tones
of unnamed magnificent magnitude.
that my sunset can be draped
in unimaginable nuance,
is good
for the time being.

but when i wake up tomorrow,
and take a look at my canvas,

what will my opinions
of my work
be then?

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 22:13:20 GMT

its hard to escape if you dont run away.
but if you run, its likely to follow.
its hard to win if you dont fight.
but if you fight, you just might lose.

(there is no up, without down.
there is no love, without hate.
there is no happy, without sad.
there is no life, without death.)

im left staring out the window.
trying to look at each individual leaf
on each individual tree,
and im wondering how that leaf will feel today.

BeautyBeautyBeautiful

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 10:46:40 GMT

i dont have to look at anything to see the beauty in life.

sometimes it just floats all around me
and hangs in the air,
sometimes i feel it flutter all around me
and then come to a rest
on
the tip
of my nose.

and as frustrating it is,
when that beauty and i
play games of hide
-and- seek,

it is always so rewarding when i find it
crouching behind a bush

just outside my door.

certainly certain.

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 12:13:20 GMT

things will never go any differently than how they end up going.

today i watched certain parts of my life
certainly walk away,
for now...

today i watched others lives, and was certain
that there is
certainly
quite a lot of love in this world.
(even if it comes in strange shapes sometimes)

today i watched a smile creep slowly, certainly,
across my face,
and it will certainly stay there
for as long as i can hold it.

there are very few things in this world to be certain about.
of that, im certain.

and right now, i know that
things are
certainly going to end up alright.
and there is certainly no need to worry about them,

certainly.

(and now that word looks really funny. im not sure whether its because i just used it 13 times, or because it is a word that is normally so unfamiliar to me... all i know is that it feels good to have some certainty about things for once)

fresh air

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 03:15:35 GMT

useless noises all around.
sick of the consistency.
time to change recipies.
time to change the album.

when the time comes, youll know what to do.
when the moment is here, youll make the right decision.
when choice is squarely presented in front of you,
it will be easy to pick-and-choose.
attention:
no more waiting for the clear choice. things dont come in black&white.
things dont come at your leisure;
and if you wait, they wont come at all.

every second is a chance to change.

life is not question and response,
a test to take at some arranged time
at some arranged place;
it is not a quiz to walk away from when you're finished answering.
it is not true or false.

it seems that life
is like constantly painting, constantly placing
lines where you see fit,
contours and colors where they are needed.

right now, i need a change of canvas.

right now, i need some fresh air.

when you stop spinning circles

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 06:11:28 GMT

connecting dots.
seeing the big picture.

listening to words
that shine instead of shatter,
whose mouths once frowned
now turned to smiles.

experiencing flowers bloom
in a giant orchard of concrete.
finding the impossible
was only laying hidden at your feet.
learning to love what youve hated,
seeing that it had some love unknown.

when you stop spinning circles,
you may get dizzy,
you may get nauseous,
at first.
but soon youre standing tall,
standing straight,

and everything falls
right into place.

sometimes you feel like a nut...

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 20:31:30 GMT

its nice how watching some basketball game and watching people get fucked up
can make you forget about all your little insignificant worries.

i made a mistake last night.
there will be no do-over.
all i can do is walk away from it a smarter, more experienced person.
(and try to keep posting "missed connections" on craigslist, to no avail
- i promise today will be the last one... maybe one tomorrow, but that's it)

feeling good is nice when you were feeling bad,
and it can really teach you things about why you felt bad in the first place.
it can teach you things about how to avoid feeling bad,
and how to embrace feeling good.

and the next time you get off the bus,
you can turn around and tell her,
" get off here, with me,
ill help you find your stop "

sigh.

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 18:06:54 GMT

huh,
it looks like the world does spin without me.
everyone is revolving,
just like i am revolving.
alone.

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 09:13:51 GMT

one step forward,
and a number of steps to be named later
back.

but still,
its progress.

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 09:09:14 GMT

my dream is that one day, when the zombie outbreaks start,
when i get infected and become zombified...

someone will love me enough to tie me to a post
and feed me brains all day.

is that too much to ask??

thinking in a stream of drawn out syllables, rounded so as not to make a mark.

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 08:38:03 GMT

speechless.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 07:05:16 GMT

thinking of something to say
just to fill space.

things change, lives rearrange.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 17:52:30 GMT

what was once touching you, and what you once touched,
now craves for contact,
having been abandoned.

worlds rotate, and revolve.
changing course.

is there some pattern in all this,
some intelligent design.
some intelligence?

off i go,
to love the flowers
which bloom so brightly
at the first hint of
tomorrows sun.
bottling scents, picking petals.
no more at-odds with the way.
things are.
making way, to the way.
things will be.

glorious world.
lovely fate.
free will to all.

and good day to you, and you, and you.
i wish you luck on all your adventures.

and good luck to me.

i always loved you and i always will, no matter how much i tell myself i dont...

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 07:15:28 GMT

there are so many things that we always told each other that we would rebel against, fight against,
stand against forever, and shout our defiance of to the highest rafters.
sometimes i think that our convictions have faded as much as we have.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 21:29:36 GMT

well.
we went to work,
stood around for a second.

we left work.

do i feel justified??
not completely.
... but i suppose i never do.

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 20:35:49 GMT

i would say i feel abandoned,
but im abandoning.

last day of work today.
im hoping it wont even happen.

find a new job. find a new job.
find a new life.

chacka chacka boom

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 21:16:50 GMT

i frequently find myself indulging in fantasies with no base. i build them up, higher and higher, until they are either smashed to the ground... or until i realize they arent touching the ground at all, but rather floating right there in the air in front of me. when i notice these flying fantasies, i sit back and say,

"hmmm"

and then i wonder how long ive been dreaming.
it usually doesnt matter if i am dreaming of not. because when i find myself fully conscious -and therefore realize that these imaginings are all being formulated in my mind, and my mind is being more closely watched than my reality- i wonder how long ive been sitting there in the dark, watching stars spin around and hearing the night sky whisper,

"i love you."

its then that i attempt to sort out the things i think ive been thinking, and the things that i think i mustve been actually living. its a confusing conundrum, to say the least.
so i mull it around a bit, never really coming up with anything, and i wonder what the appeal of dreaming is. i wonder what it is that takes me out of this moment to build up hopes and elaborate on things that would otherwise be stopped dead, right at that particular moments end.

i suppose there is no real answer. i suppose that i am not really even asking a question. but i always seem to find myself needing something, feeling empty in some way, feeling like i could use an answer to any question, from any direction.
i am aware that i should be searching a little closer to earth, a little closer to some actual basis. i know that i should not be forming dreams to distract me from forming my life, but its always so easy, so distracting, so much better than my actual life. the real problem with dreaming when you are awake is when you realize you are dreaming, when you realize you arent paying any attention to your life, when those dreams become pretending, become cheap, meaningless, when they become nothing more than a silly want, that you feel silly for wanting more than actually wanting to achieve.
so should i wish to be fully shrouded in my dreams, or to not wish at all? it seems, or course, foolish to think that fully withdrawing from reality could be a right answer... but it always feels that taking all the wishes out of life just makes it a little less shiny? sparkly?... it feels like if you took all the wishes out of life, life would be more lifeless. and thats the problem. because if i dont take all the wishes out, i seem to be only able to focus on the wishes, and if i try to take all the wishes out, life is just plain boring.
i guess ill just go back and forth, putting checks on both reality and dreams when they need to be checked.

and maybe this whole up and down motion will even itself out someday.
maybe.

anyways, having a job is neat. the job isnt neat, but at least having a schedule puts some meaning (however meaningless it may be) in my life, so thats good. i know that right now is not the right time to just run away, because its not financially or emotionally possible. i know that someday i will have what i feel i need to go where i feel i want to go, do what i want to do... but right now, what i want to do isnt realistic. so i suppose right now i need to be grabbing a hold of reality and making friends (never a bad thing to do).
so yeah, i dont have it figured out (i dont think its ever really possible to "figure it out")

but at least im figuring...

or something like that.

yeah.

i think i need another running fix...

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 06:09:00 GMT

up & down.
its sad how it comes so quickly. its sad how it still comes with you.
whats saddest is how when i think i can handle things the best,
its still not all that good.
today was a good day.
and i know good days have bad moments.
and i know its silly to pretend that bad moments dont actually make one feel bad.
but, still,
i couldve sworn that i was over this obsession with fragments believed to be part
of something i had, once... and that these pieces can somehow be molded,
into something of worth, once again.
and that that something of worth was actually worth something to begin with....

im rambling again... i have that tendency though. its one of the tendencies i dont mind all that much; its better to ramble than not, in most cases. in any case, i feel stupid for thinking about you at all. i feel stupid for wanting something more than i have; although, i suppose thats human nature... and it will probably be our downfall. "progress" vs. being content... stagnation vs. drive. its all so tricky when you look at it from different angles. one thing is defined one way, then suddenly, its completely different... again.

well, once again, im stuck.
but i am not stuck on being stuck...
for once.
and thats progress, in the good sort of way.

so the only answer i have for myself tonight, is the night, is the road, is my running shoes.

the only path
is there, is wherever my feet lead me,
is wherever the moon hangs tonight.

there is no need to think when youre running,
no need to dwell on anything except getting your jello-ed legs to move one more step, every step,
to finish that last mile.

(and its nice when running
is the right answer)

smile

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 00:40:51 GMT

here i am.
standing where i was, but seeing everything
a little differently...

no longer watching the birds,
but flying with them.

spewed.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 08:34:50 GMT

spinning spinning,
grinning grinning.

the things that make me laugh.

loving all, taking a fall,
one in the same,
whos to blame?

me.

i hate to rhyme...

if i could place myself in one motion,
it would be motion, and only motion.

i love you, i hate you,
i will never forget you.
i will never forget where im from.

all the people whove hurt me, i forgive.
all the people who ive used to hurt myself,
i absolve you of the sins i tried to place on your head...
i know they were mine, and i know i am fine...
and i know i need to stop rhyming...

to break is to be free. to let loose your inhibitions,
is to be whole, to be empty, to be faithful,
that something will come and fill you,
or, that you are full, in the present moment.

i am full.
a cornucopia of starchy foods, and poorly made soup.

i love dan stovall.

:D

sdglkjjbcioerbfdvk;l

p.s. trippel is my new
favorite brew...

bless ian for showing me the way...
<3

buahahaha....
now i go to eat blackberries...
or,
to sit and spin the world...

or,

possibly,
just to be...
if i am lucky.

:D :) XD

...
affirmative.

p.s. if anyone is awake,
call me, cause you know i dont sleep.

.//"]]]]]

Thu, 21 Sep 2006 09:00:03 GMT

watching choices fall away from me.
wondering if i made the right choice, in not making.
who am i kidding,
have i ever made
one right choice?

i just had a dream where i couldnt turn on any lights.
i woke up,
and a light bulb in the stairway
had burnt out.
... now i can't go back to sleep.

i dont feel so good...

fuck.

i remember when raindrops used to mean something....

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 11:21:40 GMT

- i am so fucking pissed off right now.

so fucking angry,
that i cant even write my problems into a neat little metaphor.